7 Very Real Predictions for the Gilmore Girls Revival

The last episode of Gilmore Girls aired on May 15, 2007. All was right in Stars Hollow: Newly single Rory was off to cover Obama’s first campaign, Lorelai was snuggling with Luke — it was one of the few shows with a genuinely satisfying, closure-filled ending to a seven-year coffee buzz.

Of course, Hollywood doesn’t like to let these things rest for too long before kicking it in the ribs and telling it to run another lap. Fortunately, the original cast and director/writer Amy Sherman-Palladino are involved with the Netflix-backed project and are seemingly trying to ensure a death with dignity.

Still — one can’t help but wonder: how will a 10 year old show fare in today’s booming TV market? I mean, when GG first aired, it only had to compete with Fear Factor and Trading Spaces. But now, how will a show about two women rapidly talking about Lilith Fair for 40 minutes make the cut when stacked against House of Cards or Game of Thrones? The last Avengers movie just grossed $1 billion worldwide — do you know how many embroidered skinny scarves you could buy with that? I have a feeling that in order to really capture the public’s eye, Gilmore Girls is going to make some major changes. Here’s just a few thoughts:

1.) Rory Gets Bitten by a Radioactive Spider

Surprise! This isn’t a Gilmore Girls revival — it’s actually another fucking Spiderman movie! Maximum synergy here, people. Someone get Rory a travel mug, though — coffee and web-slinging are probably a harsh combo.

2.) Lorelai and Sookie Fight for Domain Over the Dragonfly Inn

Thought Lorelai and Sookie were ideal business partners, eh? Well, the revival might prove that blood is stronger than diplomacy. Clan Gilmore vs. Clan St. James will fight over decorative napkin holders…to the death. And remember that harp player from the lobby? Well things really heat up when she makes a bid for the throne. Valar Gilmoris.

3.) Edward Hermann Returns From the Grave

Okay, so maybe it’s too soon to touch this one — but people love zombies. Am I right or am I right? The kooky yet lovable Grandpa Gilmore is primed and ready to burst forth from the grave and launch this Fall’s hottest supernatural thriller.

4.) Miss Patty’s Dance Studio Gets Busted

How is one elderly woman sustaining such a fabulous lifestyle by teaching a few tots to twirl every now and then? Turns out her studio is actually a tax front and she is about to get caught in the act. What happens next? She’s sent to Broadfield — Connecticut’s zaniest minimum-security women’s prison! Watch as she makes caftans out of single-ply toilet paper!

5.) Jess For President

Remember Jess? Rory’s troubled, brooding, yet oh-so-lovable ex-boyfriend? Well get ready to see him…in the Oval Office. Jess is taking his street smarts and good looks to Washington, D.C, where he’s trying to chance this country for real. His reforms? Legal marijuana and a copy of American Psycho on every bedside table.

6.) Musical Numbers

Those Gilmore sure love to talk — but do they love to sing? It’s high time that all of those rants about Liberace and Sylvia Plath were condensed into dance-able sing-able ditties perfect for the whole family. Something tells me that Rory isn’t a very good dancer, but with that Netflix budget, they can afford a body double, right?

7.) Maybe a Black Person Shows Up!

Now, I know I’m going out on a limb here — but perhaps my wildest prediction for the Gilmore Girls revival is thus: one day, everything in Stars Hollow is going just as planned — Kirk is the mailman of the day, Lorelai is eating a cheese danish, Rory is reading Kafka under a tree…then…a black person shows up. The town is in shock. Could it be? A…non white? Townsfolk run out onto their wraparound porches. Taylor Dosey can be seen dangling from an Oak, wielding binoculars. He focuses and then…oh, it’s only Michel. But wait — what’s he holding? A book? Taylor hones in on the title, thinking perhaps it could be a sign of an inner life. Oh, nevermind. It’s just The Secret. The town collectively shrugs and all goes back to normal.